Stop and Remember

This past July I took my daughter to NY for a month long stay with her Grandma, two Aunts and cousin, Sole.  I  have such a love affair with NY.  The city is so full of energy and at every corner and in between there is something to see, something to laugh at, something to ponder and something to talk about.  In  my past trips there, I would usually go with my girlfriends.  We'd sleep until noon and even though we brought suitcases full of clothes, we'd still shop all day long for outfits to wear out that night .  When the night would fall, we'd eat at amazing restaurants and then party, party, party.  The nights always ended with a stop at Cafeteria and cab rides back to our hotel in the wee hours of the morning, still drunk and giggling.  Usually by the time we hit the elevator our heals came off and we would stagger back to our hotel rooms.  The next day, our game would rewind.

This July visit was quite different.  It had been awhile since I've had a summer experience in the city.  It was hot, sweaty and sticky.  The first couple of days, I stayed in Jersey City to get my daughter situated and spend some long over due time with her Grandma.  I have to take a moment to give all praise to this woman I affectionately still call, Ms. Stewart, after almost 20 years.  She is retired and spends much of her day on and off the train into the city to take her granddaughter, Sole, to camp, karate, dance lessons, etc.  I don't know how she does it because I was totally exhausted.  I'm very much accustomed to LA living and being able to hop into my air conditioned car with my heals on, hair down, water bottle at my side and getting to where I need to in that fashion.  On day one, I thought I'd be cute in my sundress and wedges.  By the time we got to the train, I quickly switched out my wedges for flip flops and my hair went up in a bun because I was sweating like I had just finished two spin classes in a row.  Hot mess!  After getting the girls to camp, we shopped and then went back home to rest for what seemed like 10 seconds before we were off to Target for groceries.  As I pulled the cart full of bags back home, sweating like a pig,tired and dirty, I wondered if I could do this day in and day out.  After putting the groceries away, we had to head back out to pick the girls up from camp and that moment, my love for NY dropped to a "like".

I spent the rest of my stay in the city at Kisha's house.  Kisha is Keona's aunt, my sister and great friend.  I absolutely love her Upper East side Manhattan apartment.  She previously asked me to give her some cooking lessons and help her prepare a meal for her friend while I was out there.  I really didn't have any "plans" beyond that and was just going with the flow.  While she was at work, I did a little walking around her neighborhood and then planned to meet her for a drink.  She told me we were going to a get together at a friend's house afterwards, but I didn't know much besides that.  Kisha is a breast cancer survivor.  Over the past almost 4 years, I've heard about her "support group", listened to details about her treatments, how she was feeling and other things that I just couldn't really appreciate over the phone, 3000 miles away.  I was naive and detached about it all.  I had no idea I would meet an amazing group of women at  that get together that evening.  Even more, I didn't know the meal she asked me to prepare would be for the most amazing couple I would ever meet in my life.

We arrived at the most beautiful home and I sat at the end of a long table filled with vegan dishes surrounded by a diverse group of cancer survivors.  You could feel the love in that room.  There was a sisterhood like no other.  I was in awe at how this deadly disease bound such beautiful women who otherwise might not even know each other.  I felt so privileged to be there.  I wished I could sit one on one with each of them and just listen to their stories.  The guest of honor that evening was a woman named Jennifer.  When I met her I remember thinking, there's no way in hell I'd look that stunning without hair.  What a shallow thought, but for those that know me, my hair is my "thing".  For those women and Jennifer most of all, living and surviving is their "thing".  It was a special night to say the least.  I left with feelings I hadn't ever recognized before and still cannot articulate.

The organic, vegan meal I was to prepare was for Jennifer and her husband, Angelo.  The other day I was talking to my friend, Roshan.  She's told me this before, but two days ago she again mentioned that I show my love through my cooking.  If it's just a grilled cheese or a bowl of cereal, I love to feed people and see them taste and enjoy something I've made.  It's very hard for me to give someone a recipe because I never follow any.  I don't even think I make the same thing, the same way each time.  I go with how I feel. When I've prepared food for someone, it's not easy for me to eat it myself either.  I've tasted it so much along the way and in the end, I just want you to enjoy each and every bite.  When you do, that is what fills me up.  The meal for Jennifer was the first time I was limited to vegan only, organic if possible and no soy.  I knew I had to thoughtfully season every layer that went into the dish and I wanted so much for meat eating Kisha to enjoy it.  Most of all, knowing the grueling treatments Jennifer had to endure, I hoped my little meal would give her palette something to dance for. 

Kisha and I went to Jennifer's apartment to bring the dinner.  I met her husband, Angelo, and we enjoyed wine, talk, food and dessert with them and Janiece who I had met at the get together.  I don't think they know how overjoyed I was that they ate every bite of what I made.  I don't think they know that when I got their "thank you's" on FB, it made me feel good about myself and what I enjoy doing.  For whatever reason, I always question my worth and while I always feel everything I make could be better, I was so proud of that meal.  It was my favorite meal and while my entire trip to NY was wonderful, that was my favorite time as well.  In TV terms, it was high definition, uncut, unscripted, true, reality.  They have a strength that is immeasurable.  I only got to spend a couple of hours with them, but that feeling, that time, is tattooed in my heart.

I remember balling my eyes out after watching The Notebook for the first time.  I wondered if I would ever know a love like that and because I can be cynical when it comes to affairs of the heart, I thought it's only in the movies.  This was until I met Angelo and Jennifer.  I know every couple has their ups and downs and no relationship is perfect by any means.  I also didn't get to spend much time with them, but from what I observed, from what I felt as an outsider looking in, they have that real, unconditional, true and deep love/friendship and I'm so grateful to have seen it.  They have made me believers again.  Through their fight for life, I have learned some lessons.

I'm currently healing from a broken heart.  I have to stop and remember no matter the outcome the time we shared was special.  While there are days I want to curse life out for being so unfair, I have to stop and remember there are people who are fighting every minute just to live.  When, I wake up in the morning and dread getting ready to go to work, I have to stop and remember there are people looking for jobs who desperately need the benefits I take for granted.  When I'm upset at the traffic, I have to stop and remember I am blessed that I have a car to take me where I want and need to go because just this morning I saw a woman huddled under an umbrella with her kids at the bus stop.  When I complain that I'm fat and need to diet, I have to stop and remember there are millions of children in THIS country who are suffering from hunger.  When I want to complain about the Christmas shoppers, the money spent, and all the hoopla of the holidays, I have to stop and remember that I have the most wonderful family and friends to share this time with and being able to spread love and joy is worth it. 

Wishing everyone peace and blessings always.  Please keep those that are suffering in any way in your hearts and prayers.  LIFE IS A BLESSING.

Pour Yourself a Glass

Last week I forwarded one of Rev Run's Words Of Wisdom quotes to a friend. It was about figuring out what makes you happy and then simply DOING IT. I loved it. It's simple, but why some of us make it hard on ourselves, I don't know.  I'm guilty too! My friend's reply was, "yeah, simple, but money and time are a factor." Jeez, got negative much?! I shared the fact that I feel my happiest moments often had nothing to do with money and took little time.


Some defining moments in my life are obvious. Becoming a mother. Falling in love. Graduating. Learning to drive. Getting promoted. Standing in front of Maxwell at his concert at the Grammy museum. And the list goes on. Those moments certainly deserve value and recognition, but I'll get into detail in another blog. Not today.


Today, I want to pay homage to those priceless moments. The moments that bring me happiness and break my hectic life down to breaths of peace. Despite some rough times, I'm not so jaded and do recognize what makes me happy.


Recently, I've been afforded the opportunity to spend more time with my Grandparents. It's the silver lining to a painful event in my life. Isn't life grand to hand you a little sugar with the salt? My Grandparents are in their 80's and I know I don't have much time with them, so I'm holding on to these moments with both hands. I am blessed. The other night, I walked down the hallway and could see my Grandfather in his room sitting in front of the television watching baseball. I think it's SO cute that my grandparents still bicker at each other, still watch tv together, still eat together. It's amazing. This particular night, my Grandma was washing her face as my Grandpa watched tv. As I neared their room, I said, "Hi Dad" (I affectionately call my Grandparents Mom and Dad). He looked up from the TV and had a very sweet look on his face while he said, "Hi!" He said it in a way that I interpreted as, "I'm happy you're here." Every fiber of my body smiled. It was a moment that I wish I could bottle up and put on a shelf for the next time I need a pick-me-up. It was just what I needed and right on time.


My daughter will be 13 in March. Every day I hope to make it through without having to bitch her out or repeat myself a hundred times. That girl tests all my patience. Since the day she was born to last night, however, when I see her sleep, I want to shed tears of joy. It is honestly the most peaceful sight ever. Often, I end up kissing all over her face because I am so proud to be her Mom. It never fails that when I do that, she doesn’t wake up being mad. She always gives me a sleepy smile and says, “I love you, Mommy.” That girl sure knows how to make me feel guilty for being a meanie during the day.


There is a man that I love. He is simple and complex. Half the time I can’t read him or figure him out, but if I were blindfolded, I could still tell you if he’s in the room. My senses dance when he’s near. I swear I can feel this man in my bones. He’s a man of few words, but there have been numerous times when I would walk into the room and his glance said it all. His eyes tell me I’m beautiful inside and out. His smile makes me feel lucky to know him. It’s in those moments, words are unnecessary. In those moments, nothing else matters.


I have a dear friend who is my rock. She prays for me and lifts me up when I’m at my lowest. We don’t see each other often and don’t need to. We don’t even talk regularly, but when we do, the conversation picks up as if we just got disconnected. There have been countless times during our friendship that I feel like she can hear my soul calling her. I’ll have challenging days and suddenly I’ll get an email from her filled with encouraging words and a note that she was just thinking about me. Her role in my life is priceless. She is a part of my makeup and one of the greatest teachers God has gifted me with. I wish I could gather up all of the words she has shared with me and put them in a song. I would walk about this life with it on repeat and let my soul sing.


It’s a blessing to have the ability to know what makes you happy. While I always believe in striving for better, don’t forget to pay equal attention to the blessings you already hold. I’m certain everyone is surrounded by beauty that doesn’t rob us of precious time and money. For me they are in smiles from strangers. Glances. Random acts of kindness, given and received. Watching elderly couples walk hand in hand. Smelling a baking cake. Looking up at a red light and noticing the sky is painted in beautiful hues. Listening to the radio and an oldie but goodie comes on. Getting a whiff of a perfume or cologne that can awaken memories of precious times. Laughter from babies. Sea breezes, crashing waves and warm sand in my toes. Hellos. Bear hugs. Laughing until you cry. Scratching that itch. Writing. Being still. Singing loudly in the car. Kisses on the neck. Complements about my cooking!


Each day brings new possibilities. I challenge you to identify what brings you happiness. When you do, bottle them up and put them on the shelf. When life gets hectic, pour yourself a glass. You deserve it!


As always, wishing you PEACE, BLESSINGS and Deelicious Fun!

20 Weeks, 40 Years

I remember a time when I thought 40 was "old".  Growing up, I figured by the time I'm 40, I would be married with 3 kids, own a home and have a successful career to top it all off.  My weekends would consist of shopping at Costco, home projects, driving the kids to their various activities, and date nights with my husband.  In reality, my life does not resemble that "dream/vision" whatsoever.  Where did I go wrong, or did I?!

God willing, I will celebrate 40 years of life in exactly 20 weeks from today.  I've never been one to dread an upcoming birthday, but this milestone is a little harder to swallow.  Remember when the year 2000 was approaching and we didn't know what was going to happen?  Some feared computers would crash, money in the bank would be lost forever and it would be pure mayhem.  I have a similar feeling about my 40th birthday.  I always imagined 40 to be the age where you should have your shit together already and since mine isn't,  I'll deem myself a failure.

Soon, I can't honestly check the 35-39 box.  I'll probably have to start looking into anti aging creams.  If I date a 29 year old, will I be considered a cougar?  Will gray hair start appearing?  Even worse, my biological clock is doing more than ticking.  It's straight sounding off right about now.  I think that's the hardest part about maturity (don't you like my choice of words?) for a woman.  While I've gone through fazes of wondering if I'd want another child, I do want to keep that option.  I want to be able to control that choice.

The next 20 weeks will be about re-evaluation.  Even though I imagined something else at 40, is that what I really want?  Was I measuring success and accomplishment against someone else's ruler?  Perhaps.  This is what I set out to discover.  My life is filled with so much beauty and love as it is and I don't want to discredit all the lessons life has taught me thus far. I want to keep learning.  I want to keep the pursuit of happiness alive.  What if I had accomplished those things already?  Would I feel like, "What now?" 

One of my favorite quotes is, "It's not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away."  I've had so many breath taking moments in my 39 years and 32 weeks of living.  I am blessed and look forward to many more.  In the next 20 weeks I'm going to identify and write about those moments.  When January 31st comes, I plan on celebrating all of those moments and toasting to those that have yet to come.  No failures!

As always, I wish you peace, blessings and deelicious fun. 

Strong like a Rose

Today is my Grandmother's 82nd birthday!  This woman has seen and experienced so much in her 82 years of living.  She's kind, sweet, fierce, strong and when necessary, ruthless.  She has more energy in her little 5 ft body than I do.  I think I'm being kind when I say she's 5 ft tall, however. 

I believe I owe a great many of my personality traits to my Grandmother.  Some of them are probably by way of my Mom, but we all come from, Rose.  She's been married to my Grandfather for 62 or 63 years now and that is an accomplishment in itself.  I love that they will still complain about one another!  He says she does nothing but nag, nag, nag and she says he gets on her nerves.  It's all comical to me. 

She raised 5 children of her own and countless neighborhood children.  She has 8 grandchildren (me being the oldest) and 2 great grandchildren.  She got her first job at the Mervyn's behind their house at the young age of 50.  She used to pass out the numbers in the dressing room.  She eventually retired from there!  Every day she would walk to work and if it was late when she'd get off, my Grandpa would meet her there or their old dog, Tidus.  It was the cutest because my Grandpa would tell Tidus to go get "Mom" and he would run to Mervyn's and wait at the side door for her to come out. 

Besides the occasional annoyance with my Grandpa, I've never heard this woman complain.  She rarely even likes to tell anyone what she wants.  For birthdays and Mother's Day, you usually have to pay close attention to what she says to figure out what she wants.  She would never ask, though.  One year before Mother's Day I remember her saying, "I like the Grove."  There it was, the clue that she wanted to go to the Grove. 

When she was growing up she's had to endure things that today, I just couldn't imagine.  For instance, when the Japanese were taking over Guam, my Grandma and her family hid in caves to save their lives because the Chamorros on the island were being killed off.  She told me stories of having to leave the cave at night to search for food to eat.  My aunts and uncles have told me stories of them not having much money growing up and my Grandma would always find creative ways to provide, like using rice to glue school projects and lipsticks as crayons.  She can grow anything in her garden and it blooms.  I recall her bringing what I thought was a very dead orchard back to life.  It's her touch...she has that certain magic.

She's had to hold the family together when a gambling addiction threatened to take all they had.  She's been by my Grandfather's side through his many heart surgeries and always nurses him back to health, all the while keeping our heavy hearts light.  Once I rushed to the hospital when my Grandfather was having an emergency surgery.  Everyone looked worried and most of us were crying.  She sat there quietly.  No tears.  No worry.  She saw how upset I was and simply said to me, "Just pray."  When I was 26, I was so scared to tell her I was pregnant because I wasn't married.  See, she is a devout Catholic who has a mini alter complete with statues of Mary and Jesus in her bedroom.  Every morning and night she can be found on her knees praying.  I finally mustered up the nerve to tell her and to my surprise she said,"It's okay, Dee, you'll get married later."  I never did get married, but she never held it against me and Keona loves, loves, loves her Nana. 

Today and always I celebrate this special woman.  I hope and pray that I can be as strong and resilient as she.  I hope I can make lumpia, red rice and carrot cake just half as well as she does.  Actually, I hope to do everything with that special touch that she possesses.  I am so proud to know I am a part of her and so is my daughter.  I could go on and on with stories about this lady, but I think I'll save it for a book.  :)

As always, peace, blessings and Deelicious Fun!  Happy Birthday, Mom!! 

Watermelon in the Garage

Easter morning started early because I had some cooking to do. I rushed through it buzzed off of a diet coke with two salt water taffies to go with it! - Lent is over. Candy, soda (usually only diet coke) french fries and onion rings are allowed back on the scene. Thursday night we went to City Walk and I found a variety of salt water taffies in a store that originally caught my eye because of their Hello Kitty display. I filled up a bag with my favorites and promised to wait until Easter. I took the bag out of my purse at home and set it on the night stand next to me where it stayed for the next three days. Who does that? A full bag of candy at the bed side just waiting out the last few days of Lent. All that was missing was a, "My precious" chant.

The family was gathering at my Grandparents' house despite what my Grandpa said some weeks back. He over heard me talking with my Grandma about the Easter menu and what I should bring.  He said with conviction, "no, don't bring anything, we're not having Easter." Huh? I replied "No Easter? It's just a regular Sunday?" My Grandma laughed but he just scowled and repeated, "No Easter." I left and told my Grandma I would call her later in the week to discuss the menu. I called my Mom and told her Grandpa's news and she said that's what he said about Thanksgiving and Christmas! On Easter Sunday I gave him a kiss and said "See, Dad, we're having Easter after all!" I told everyone that we were supposed to have a regular Sunday. He smiled.

The day was beautiful and fun highlighted with delicious food and sweets galore. I got to spend a good amount of time with my cousin's baby boy, Benjamin. He's 5 months old and he has completely stolen my heart! The kids had an egg hunt, I enjoyed the massage chair, an adjustment from my chiropracter Auntie and basketball was on the TV. Even though there were 32 people there not including a 5 year old, 3 year old, 5 month old and 3 dogs, the day was still relaxed and peaceful. Good wine :)

My cousin Debbie and I were the last to leave. Keona and I were finishing up the dishes as my Grandma calmly asked me to go to the store for Tylenol because my Grandpa had a fever.  My Grandpa hasn't been well for awhile so whenever he's coughing too much, has a fever or anything, I panic.  I talked my Grandma into giving him some Advil that was on hand.  Keona went back to check on him and came back reporting that he didn't look good and he was shaking. My cousin Debbie and I are not the strongest two in the family in medical emergencies. Also, our experience is with our children, not our 80 something year old Grandpa who has health issues. He's way too precious and dear to me, so I got scared. Really scared. My Grandma didn't have a thermometer in the house and I thought we should take his temp to see if a hospital trip would be necessary. I rushed to the nearest store just a few minutes away. While there, Debbie called me and with a voice of concern and fear she says that after some struggle getting on the breathing machine, my Grandpa was hooked up and getting some air, but he wasn't looking good. I grabbed what I had to and rushed back. We all went to his room and my Grandma took his temp. The first reading was 99.8, but my Grandpa questioned the validity because it gave a reading so quickly. I told him I purposely bought one that gave a 10 second reading. Then I told my Grandma to take it three times so we can get an average. He wasn't looking good at all. I hate seeing and hearing him struggle to breathe. I watched with a heavy heart and then in between the second and third reading, he managed to say, "Deenie (my nickname in the family) there's watermelon in the garage." Huh?! I cracked up. What a great tension breaker! In the midst of the panic, watermelon was on his mind. He did have a slight fever, but he said he was feeling better and probably from the Advil. I sat there for a little bit until he fell asleep and remembered I did see a huge watermelon in the garage earlier when I was looking for some Diet Coke!

While back in the kitchen to finish up the cleaning, I called my Mom to give her the update. I told her in the middle of all the worry, Dad informed me there was watermelon in the garage. In typical Rose fashion, my Grandma laughed and said, "He's dying but still thinking about food." Just wrong!

I'm just like my Grandpa. Always cooking. Always offering food. Always insisting someone take something home. Same initials. DMC

Life. Family. Peace.Blessings.Tradition.Love.Dee-licious Fun.

Resolutions

It’s been far too long since I last wrote and purged the craziness that runs through my mind! I write for my soul and because it brings me joy, so it drives me nuts when life gets hectic and I can’t seem to find the time or peace to sit down and get it all out. However, it’s the New Year and with every January 1st a sense of renewal fills the air and people, or maybe just me, get motivated to do all the things they want and are supposed to do. Break out the gym wear, put away the See’s candies, update the resume, check church service times (I go so long that I forget. Shameful) and budget. Let the fun begin. (Apply sarcasm font)

As I write this, I am munching on a baby carrot. One of my resolutions was to not eat out so much and most importantly, pack a lunch for work. We’re 12 days in and this is my first packed lunch. Better late than never?! The funny thing is this is something I should have been doing LONG ago, but I waited for the good ole new year to get it cracking. Once October hits, I pull the “holiday” and “New Year” card to excuse myself of certain responsibilities. I have found this an unsuccessful practice. It’s like being halfway up the hill, but then deciding to go back down and start over again after the holidays. Huh? My 11 year old told me she’s made resolutions and one of them was to get good grades. Umm…that should be the goal year round, right?! The insanity starts young, or maybe it’s just that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. I felt I didn’t have the right to shoot down her resolution when mine are to be healthy, go to church and not overspend. Wow, way to shoot for the stars.

The synonyms for resolution are: resolve, determination, perseverance, tenacity, strength and fortitude. I don’t know about you, but these are words I want to live by. I don’t want to set them up on the 1st of the year and hope I carry them out at least to the summer. It is my desire to walk in greatness, so as of right now, I decided to break my “resolutions” habit and stop making excuses. Striving to be my best possible self and setting and achieving goals is going to be my way of life!

In the next week I will be finishing up my new vision board. I made one before and it sat behind a chair for a year until I finally threw it out. Gasp!! I’m excited to be honest about what I want now. Yes, I used to be scared to voice my desires. It’s easier to act like you never wanted it just in case you don’t get it. That was my defense mechanism. I learned some great lessons in 2010 and one of them was that my defense mechanisms were the exact things that would bite me in the ass. Without risk, there can be no reward. After the vision board, I will map out my plan and list my actions steps. This is the last year of my 30’s and I intend on leaving it behind with nothing but pride. Fear and laziness do not exist in this dojo!

I challenge all of you to step into your own greatness. The most underrated moment is now, so let’s not waste another second and get to it. It’s my belief that when you are so busy being your best, all other things will fall into place.

Happy New Year and as always, Peace, Blessings and Dee-licious Fun!