20 Weeks, 40 Years

I remember a time when I thought 40 was "old".  Growing up, I figured by the time I'm 40, I would be married with 3 kids, own a home and have a successful career to top it all off.  My weekends would consist of shopping at Costco, home projects, driving the kids to their various activities, and date nights with my husband.  In reality, my life does not resemble that "dream/vision" whatsoever.  Where did I go wrong, or did I?!

God willing, I will celebrate 40 years of life in exactly 20 weeks from today.  I've never been one to dread an upcoming birthday, but this milestone is a little harder to swallow.  Remember when the year 2000 was approaching and we didn't know what was going to happen?  Some feared computers would crash, money in the bank would be lost forever and it would be pure mayhem.  I have a similar feeling about my 40th birthday.  I always imagined 40 to be the age where you should have your shit together already and since mine isn't,  I'll deem myself a failure.

Soon, I can't honestly check the 35-39 box.  I'll probably have to start looking into anti aging creams.  If I date a 29 year old, will I be considered a cougar?  Will gray hair start appearing?  Even worse, my biological clock is doing more than ticking.  It's straight sounding off right about now.  I think that's the hardest part about maturity (don't you like my choice of words?) for a woman.  While I've gone through fazes of wondering if I'd want another child, I do want to keep that option.  I want to be able to control that choice.

The next 20 weeks will be about re-evaluation.  Even though I imagined something else at 40, is that what I really want?  Was I measuring success and accomplishment against someone else's ruler?  Perhaps.  This is what I set out to discover.  My life is filled with so much beauty and love as it is and I don't want to discredit all the lessons life has taught me thus far. I want to keep learning.  I want to keep the pursuit of happiness alive.  What if I had accomplished those things already?  Would I feel like, "What now?" 

One of my favorite quotes is, "It's not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away."  I've had so many breath taking moments in my 39 years and 32 weeks of living.  I am blessed and look forward to many more.  In the next 20 weeks I'm going to identify and write about those moments.  When January 31st comes, I plan on celebrating all of those moments and toasting to those that have yet to come.  No failures!

As always, I wish you peace, blessings and deelicious fun.